The ecology of beards

As well as his famous titles like the origin of the species, Charles Darwin was reputed and as a biologist who had published the definitive work on barnacles. What was left out of this work due to space restrictions, was a section on a strange, yet simlair creature… the beard. From his original notes I’ve put together an overview on his studies.

Beards
Barbapilosus or to the layman, Beards, start life as airborne spores that are released into the air from distinct looking fungi, which thrive in sub-urban areas. You may have seen these in your own or neighbours gardens.


fig 1. a patch of beardspore fungi debating current events

Once airborne, the beard spores imbed themselves upon the chin of an adolescent male and start its life cycle, as what is commonly know as the ‘bum fluff’(Barbapilosusminimus) period.

By adulthood the beard has fully matured and sprouts as coarse bristles (Barbapilosusmaximus).

Like barnacles upon a whales body Beards are a parasite that forms a symbiotic relationship with its host, the host keeps it fed and in return the Beard gives its host a greater chance at getting served at a bar or let into a club without the embarrassing act of fumbling for ID. The idea that beards are there for warmth is a myth made up by anti-scarfists during the propaganda driven cravat wars of 1812.

Diet
Beards live off what falls from its hosts mouth during chewing, hence the reason they attach themselves to their hosts chin, so they have a varied diet and are by default omnivores.

Psychic powers
Beards are solitary creatures by nature, yet a strange thing happens when two beards are in close proximity to one another. There hosts develop an unexplained sense of kinship, even if they have never met to one another, perhaps giving each other a knowing nod, or a tip of the hat, especially if the beards are of the same style.
This is the reason why opposing armies upon the field of war must have competing beard styles, otherwise battlefields would degenerate into civil affairs with neither side wishing to cause harm to one another.

Barbapilosusmaximusmajorus
As stated above beards form a symbotic relationship with their host. But a rare malignant mutation dubed, Barbapilosusmaximusmajorus, can completely enslave its host causing massive disfigurement. Glaldy most cases have been isolated and Mexican.
There is no known cure although if used regularly, immac gel proves effective treatment.


fig 2. a case of Barbapilosusmaximusmajorus

:p tj -x-